In a situation as unique as mines, of course emotions are overwhelming on both sides regardless of who’s fault it was for the break up because now you’re both about to embark on a new journey called co-parenting.
We’re Both More Like Nola Darling Than You Think
By: Sitoria Townsend
This post may contain comparisons you may not like. Y’all are much alike though so whatever! The writer doesn’t mind though because it’s your truth little do you know. Oh, and by the end of this post you will start to think maybe you’re a distant cousin of Nola.
Yes, I said it because y’all were already thinking that. After seeing the previews to the show, “She’s Gotta Have It”, directed by Spike Lee, judgment was instantly thrown onto Nola. In fact, the previews gave people a choice to make. You chose to watch it or you didn’t, there was really no in between. Either you connected to it or you didn’t. It either caught your interest or it didn’t. Kind of like any previews you’d see.
I get it. BUT…The imagery and scenes that were revealed in the minute and a half trailer was intense and in your face, and to some degree made you uncomfortable, all for good reason.
For me, as soon as I saw it I saw me. Nola was a single, young, black female who was doing the damn thing on her own terms. A simple concept, but yet so layered for some. And for others, they simply just called a spade a spade. Nola. Was. A. Hoe.
Well if Nola was a hoe then go ahead and label me too. I know I wasn’t the only with this thought. The show wasn’t meant to highlight that, though. It sparks conversation and brings to surface many perspectives but to put the show in that small, narrow minded bubble of thinking doesn’t give her or the message a chance to thrive.
Nola is in this phase of life where she is living to meet her standards of happiness, but also still discovering what makes her happy. The new millennial is taking this concept now and running with it. Nola doesn’t want to be confined in any way, nor her pussycat. That’s another conversation for another time. She is the walking poster child for liberation. Deeper than that, she is the walking poster child for a woman unapologetically living her life liberated and minding her damn business.
And for men, this is normal and y’all know that was the immediate thought that popped in your head. “Oh, she acting just likes a man!” And women still judged her.
Any who, when I used to hear the word liberated, fear instantly tagged along as well. Why? Because to live a life of freedom means you are a for sure target for judgment and when we know we may be judged for something, we get fearful and don’t do it. We as women fall into this false illusion of what makes us happy, but we think about our next moves too hard because we want to keep this image up of whatever people have of you already. But deep down inside we envied those people who didn’t think like this and it was evident through their choices.
I also will be damned if I live my life according to your standards, but men are praised on the other hand for keeping their Chico stick shiny and anew (depending on what women you mess with) and getting praised for all the things we wish to do or want to do ourselves.
Spike Lee also exposes the ugliness of being a woman too. That ugly truth is our power of choice is oftentimes robbed.
Let me clarify.
Ladies, too often we get dolled up, looking like a meal and some side dishes. You got fine, bih! Then, you go out and the vultures attack. You feel helpless and you almost feel like you can’t control it, but when you decide to speak up now you’re the “Angry woman with an attitude”, “Stuck up,” and our favorite, a “Bitch.” I mean how can men, who are supposed to look out for us and be a protector robs us of a choice of whether or not we want to be objectified.
Men, that shit scares us and is traumatic as hell. I won’t go in much detail, but if you’ve read previous posts, you’ll know I was a victim of sexual assault. I value my voice and I value it more when I use it. But when you come up to me and touch me, undress me with your eyes, objectify me, I feel like I’ve lost that choice to be respected and left the fuck alone. The scary thing is, that we almost become numb to it at some point.
Lastly, she takes no shame in entertaining what she wants and when she wants to. The three men she was involved with were completely different. I mean, if you looked up the word different in the dictionary you’d see these three side by side as an example. To me though, this spoke to Nola and her insecurities. It seemed she was never satisfied and some may have a positive and/or negative connotation on this. But one thing is for sure, they kept her entertained and she made some beautiful art through each lesson, trial, and tribulation.
After all, that’s what life is. A big canvas waiting for you to paint it with your brush dipped in life.
By: Sitoria Townsend
I used to hate when I wasn’t given something I knew I deserved. Remember that feeling of wanting something so bad after you worked so hard for it? Or simply because you knew you deserved it. Exactly. We’ve experienced that at least once in our lives, even more so in adulthood.
In adulthood we experience this quite differently and under negative circumstances sometimes…unfortunately.
Break Up: Didn’t get the closure you needed?
Disagreements: Didn’t get the apology you know you deserved?
I’m going to stop right here with these two, because they can actually be applied to multiple situations and hold a lot of weight.
I used to cringe at the thought of someone not handling themselves accordingly in situations. Those thoughts of:
“How could you?”
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“They got me messed up!”
“They owe me __________.”
Harsh reality is that these folks really don’t owe you anything and receiving nothing from them is sometimes the best thing you can receive.
When we end those friendships or relationships there usually is no explanation for how it got to that point, but it ended for a reason. Let that reason be your fuel to never look back or to simply give yourself space from the situation. In that time, also realize that you’ve already been equipped with the lessons you were supposed to get from that person to move on.
Remember how in the beginning I said I felt like I deserved that apology or closure? Well, in that moment I felt justified because of the emotions that I was experiencing.
I had a pretty ugly break up and recently we finally sat down to talk. I battled so long about whether or not I needed to have this conversation because I had personally gotten past the hurt and pain, and also I said I was happy I wasn’t in the position I was in anymore that made me feel disrespected. The universe had other plans, though. The drama that occurred during the break up was not becoming of either one of us, so I think that’s why it was on my heart for so long and I took action.
BUT, I will say this. Had that conversation not taken place I still would have been ok. In those moments we don’t get what we need from the other person we tend to pull from an inner strength, that was already there and we didn’t even know it, to move on with our lives. In that time I had learned more about what I wanted/needed in my life. I didn’t go back and forth looking at his social media; I didn’t constantly check my phone to see if I had any missed notifications from him. I just simply removed myself from all that occurred and consciously took that time to understand the position I was in and why I was there.
I was essentially broken down so God could show me that he was going to be the one to build me back up and show me that everything I possessed in me all along to grow from this.
We may not always agree with the universe’s way of handing us a slice of “humble pie”, but we must see that we have the power to release ourselves from people and situations once we stop yearning for something we “felt” we deserved. Baby, see it as a blessing that you don’t always end where you started and get excited about the lessons you learned so you can now apply them to your new journey!
By: Sitoria Townsend
I’m only 24. I have screamed. I have questioned life and God. I have cried endless amounts of tears. I have experienced extreme lows and have also had some extreme highs. I’ve sought comfort in the wrong people. I also may have smoked one, two many blunts and had one too many drinks to escape reality sometimes. I thought at times I had it all figured out just for life to laugh at me and say, “Puh-lease, try again.” But one thing remained the same through it all and I had to quickly realize it.
My reality wasn’t changing… unless I changed. And as soon as I accepted that, things started to shift for me. There’s so much power in just letting shit be. Let me explain.
- God ain’t to blame for everything (Take accountability for your own damn actions)
Complaining won’t do you any good because most of the time we have created the situations we’re in and didn’t even realize it. So instead of trying to point the finger at everyone and everything else, take a step back. Realize you have the power to also change your reality for the better.
- Let Experimental Be Your Norm (No, I’m not talking about threesomes and ish, unless that’s what floats your boat)
You’re young! This is the time to explore our interests. This is the time to also explore your interests fearlessly! And don’t feel like you’re out of control just because you have more than one interest. That’s great. Life has too much to offer to not explore your options and interests. You owe it to yourself to do what makes you happy.
- What we don’t like in others is sometimes what we don’t like about ourselves.
I know I just made some people tilt their heads and roll their eyes, but think about it. Why are we so quick to point out negative attributes in people that others may not notice? It’s because we’ve done those same things or we are still dealing with those same attributes and may not even know it. So before you fix your lips to say this, that, and the third about someone just be sure to check yourself first. Trust that it’s a very humbling experience.
- Protect your energy by any means necessary. (Stop entertaining BS)
If you are around someone or something and you have to always pose the question, “Why are you even here?” then it’s time to separate. You know when you’re in a toxic situation or when one is about to occur. Be aware of the feeling that arises in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel uneasy. It’s telling you to RUN. And this one is especially for my ladies. Let’s stop amusing these fools and start playing a little game of “When Will You Stop Entertaining This Nxgga?”
- What you’re looking for is already inside of you.
Take a look in the mirror. Now look at your friends. Look at your family. Look at people around. Yes, they don’t look like you, because they are not you and you are not they. You’re uniquely made and so your journey in life is tailored just for you. Too many times we spend too much time and energy trying to compare tales and miss the lessons we are trying to be taught in that moment. Which leads me to my next point..
- Chill out and Be Still!
Bro. Sis. Just chill sometimes. I see so many people around me who suffer severely from FOMO (fear of missing out). They just want to be with the crowd just to be with the crowd. It’s OK…NO. It’s necessary for you to be idle at times. Don’t get me wrong now, I’ll go out and shake something here and there, but I wouldn’t trade my alone time for anything. That’s my time to journal, reflect, talk to myself, show gratitude and appreciate where I’m at in that moment. Being with myself is something I will never stop doing. That precious time and energy I make sure I invest into.
- Change your perspective.
It changes your energy & allows you to receive what you want and more. I can’t call a bad situation “bad” anymore because I know that it’s all a part of a bigger plan that the universe has for me. Too many times we dwell on what’s already done instead of just accepting it for what it is and learning from it and moving on. I can’t emphasize how important it is to just let shit go, especially little stuff.
- TRAVEL!!!!!! You’re young. Go and see the world. Just go.
- Forgiveness is key too freedom (Or else you’ll be the “bitter bxtch”)
Forgiveness is a sign of extreme maturity and growth. When you can look at someone who has done bad things to you and still show them grace, love, and compassion…. you are winning. Choose love in all situations and show that same grace, as you’d want to be shown. Also, choosing to forgive yourself for anything you’ve done in the past that you are not proud of. Forgiveness is another step in your journey that you shouldn’t miss.
- No one is perfect. Everyone is a work in progress…everyone.
You know you got some skeletons in your closet too. Just as you’d want someone to be patient with you as you transition to your best self, be sure to do the same for the next person. We all need to learn to discipline ourselves in choosing patience and sometimes giving people the benefit of the doubt. And hey, some people will never change, but all you can do is just love that person still right where they are.
- Learning how to say sorry and admit when you are wrong.
Forget what you think someone will say about you for admitting when you were wrong. That is a sign of true strength. This is something that a lot of people struggle with and they wish they could possess. It’s also a freeing feeling and validates with all parties involved that at the end of the day we are all just human and we make mistakes. What really matters is what we do with those mistakes.
- Don’t take things personal
The moment we take something personal we have let the other person win. Or it’s a sign that there’s something internally that needs to be addressed and you don’t even know it. We give ourselves too much credit at times and get ourselves worked up over someone else’s attitude, comments, etc. It’s not you. Let it go. Trust me, you’ll have so much ease within you.
I had a situation where a young man disrespected me badly! I had never experienced such vulgar language thrown my way and the way he talked to a woman seemed a little too second nature in my opinion. I started to engage with him until I realized the bigger picture. There was some experience or trauma he had in his upbringing that has caused him to lash out at women the way he did. (I wasn’t the only one. I did some digging) As soon as I realized that I stepped back, ended the conversation, blocked him of course, and prayed. I prayed for peace in his spirit and for healing because there was something tainting his spirit and he needed prayer. The bigger lesson in this is to learn the art of loving people right where they are. That is a duty.
It is with my sincere hope, y’all that this helped somebody. If you want to keep reading, be sure to subscribe and more importantly…share with a friend!