Blog, Motivation

I Turned My Back on the One Person Who Always Has It

By: Sitoria Townsend

Vulnerable. Unstable. In Search Of. Prayerful. Hopeful. Faithful. Healing. Not My Own 

I love a dream, so much that I have been trying to live one. But you can’t forget the person who God intended for you to be before the dream came. 

In so little words this is how I can best describe where we all can get stuck at. In search of. 

We spend our days and nights just like the metaphor. Days and nights. Two completely different ends of the spectrum. I thought for a second about my beliefs my whole life and how they have influenced my actions, relationships, and thoughts. It’s been chaos. I eventually internalized our lives were intended to be chaos, until I discovered and understood the promise, but also the scary truth that we must face. 

Ourselves.

I’m not trying to get preachy but I cannot stay hush about the presence and truth of God here, now, and forevermore. And within us is God. 

One day I’m innocent and the next my innocence is taken from me by force. 

One day I’m healthy and the next the doctor tells me I have an STD. 

One day I think I’m in love and the next day you feel like it was a bad prank from the start. 

One day I work my butt off and the next day I’m stressing about where my next meal is coming from. 

One day I am inspired to the fullest and the next I don’t even know how to pick up a pen to write.

One day I am told I’m having a baby girl and the next day the doctor says she may be a boy. 

My daughter has been the closest in proximity I’ve been to God. She exposed me for who I really was. She showed me what little faith I actually possessed and the amount of fear inside of myself that I nurtured to that point. My daughter’s story has been one of triumph, glory, and exposure. First time in my life I was having to come face to face with what I had become or who I was trying to hide all this time. 

Who wants to admit to the fact that we have nurtured our fears our whole lives. Our dreams that we have for ourselves and set out to accomplish can quickly turn into a fear we now long for. 

Coming to the near end of my twenties I have experienced every type of heartbreak, totally relocating to a new city, getting my degree, some of my best ratchet experiences, my “living my best life” phase, embarrassing poom poom doctors visits, having my heart shattered, losing friends and family members, to finding myself, love, and happiness and God. 

Psalm 139:14

Y’all, it is really hard though. This new phase of motherhood has created a new set of needs and wants for me as a woman, which is why I felt compelled to share this. I struggle with understanding what to make of it at times and beat myself up as if I’m being unreasonable. But if we want others to see us we have to first see ourselves. 

We spend so much time bickering with flesh when we should actually be surrendering our own selves and insecurities. We long for others to understand, yet we don’t seek to understand our own selves. We long for our significant others to shower us with attention, but we don’t even know how to practice self care. We want others to acknowledge our pain, but we don’t cast it away to the only person that matters.

I have been trying to live a life of control for as long as I can remember and I have created my own chaos. Anxiety. Dependency. Jealousy. Rage. Vengeance. You get the point. 

Eventually I had to come to the realization that the dreams and hopes I had for my life quickly turned me into a control freak. It turned my back on God and when things did not go right, I was quick to blame him. I have been letting the fear of NOT BEING influence the opportunities I have TO BE, just because things don’t happen in the ways I have imagined them to happen. 

 This has led me to ponder on the concept of surrendering our lives and letting go of the reigns so the one who is really in control can take the lead. I still struggle with this concept at times, but the person, mother, friend, and daughter I am evolving into is someone I am proud of. Most importantly, someone who is at peace. I am still in search of, but I also am not afraid to let go. It is when I let go when I truly gain. 

In the words of our dearly departed Nipsey Hussle.

“My thing is that I don’t give no person that much power over my path that I’m walking. Not one person can make or break what I’m doing, except me or God.”

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Sitoria

My thoughts and words give me a sense of strength like none other because they give me freedom, freedom to be comfortable with myself, internally and externally. Something I denied myself up until this point, because I was scared. Scared of criticism, scared of judgment, scared of truly just being myself. I had to come to a point where I had to understand I’m not living for anyone else, I’m living for Sitoria.