Blog, Family

Daddy Lessons Pt. 2

I wrote the letter. I prayed about what I would do with it next and finally made a decision.

 

I kept the letter for myself and never delivered it to him.

 

My father doesn’t even know I have this letter because I had an epiphany once I was done. This was meant for me, not him. All of the things I had been longing to tell him for SO many years were physically in front of me. All five pages of it with drops of tears dried up. I was so shocked at my initial reaction because this has been bottled up inside of me for years, but I immediately understood why it had to be done. It’s so funny to me how we think we know what we need to do and how we need to do it, then when we come to face with it our plans totally goes sideways. This was the case with me.

 

Up until that point I had been doing some hardcore reflection about myself from within and the biggest lesson I learned is that people are not supposed to understand you all the time. I knew if I gave my father that letter that’s all I would be trying to do. Be understood. Some would argue and say he needed to know how he made me feel. I can see why they would say that, but when you’ve reached a higher sense of self a new level of peace arises within you. Peace that was already there and I just had to uncover it. Since I uncovered it I do my best to protect it and care for it. Giving him this letter wouldn’t have done anything for me. All that I had to do in that moment was recognize that he’s human like the rest of us and guess what? We all mess up at some point in our lives. Sometimes, repeatedly. All that we are supposed to do is learn how to love that person right where they are.

 

As I am a work in progress, so is my father. Currently him and my mom have decided to venture out into their own paths, respectively, and I actually couldn’t be happier. When I wrote this letter not only were my feelings and emotions released, but also I was renewed with comfort that now things are really going to fall into place, as they should. My parents actually made this decision shortly after me writing this letter and since then I have never felt closer to my father. In order for things to grow sometimes you got to get rid of some things you already have or shift them. This was the case for me. I got rid of the pain and anguish I had for years and made room for love. Because of this I actually started to play my role and be more open with him. We have shared so many laughs, stories, and experiences that have been the most genuine over the past few months than my whole entire childhood with him. I’ve learned that I am definitely my father’s child. I have inherited his stubbornness, bad spending habits, and temper (at times lol), and impatience. These things I’ve already known, but I also have been able to see other things I take from him. He is sweet, loves to laugh, creative, ambitious, sensitive, innovative, and loves music.

 

I was in awe in how much I’ve been learning about him and how close we’ve become. Since learning these things I too learned something else. We have the power to create our reality. I could have opened up years ago to my father and been the one to initiate something and step up. I’m not saying I have any regrets, but I cherish the hell out my loved ones now. I cherish my circumstances period because I’m creating them. Although I can’t recreate feeling like “daddy’s little girl” from years ago, because I’m grown now, I am creating a memory. A relationship, nonetheless, that I’m proud of.

 

I love you, pops.

 

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Sitoria

My thoughts and words give me a sense of strength like none other because they give me freedom, freedom to be comfortable with myself, internally and externally. Something I denied myself up until this point, because I was scared. Scared of criticism, scared of judgment, scared of truly just being myself. I had to come to a point where I had to understand I’m not living for anyone else, I’m living for Sitoria.