You ever had that parent or family member who pretty much raised you, but you couldn’t stand their habits or ‘ways’? Maybe it was a friend in your life who you didn’t like because of the way they lived. Or maybe it was someone you have never had an interaction with, but you notice something about them you wish and hope to one day not become. Then you start to tell yourself this story that you are in some way, shape, or form better than that person and you vow to never be like them. But, I have a reality check for you…you’re no better than them. A friend once told me, the very thing you despise or don’t like someone else is often what you don’t like about yourself, whether you realize it or not.
In my previous blog post, I shared with you some things about my past and upbringing with my father and he was ‘that’ person for me who I said I would never be like or surround myself with such people. All throughout college, I started (at least I thought I was) to get on this ever changing, mystical road to self-development. I was doing all the right things. I was judging others, I was critical of others, I held grudges (you’ll catch the sarcasm in 3,2,1), I put myself, to some degree, on a pedestal above others. I thought that since I had this nice job working at the news station, a new car, a man, and making decent money that I had it all and I was good, right? Wrong. The very things I said I would not be, I had become. I didn’t realize it then, but I was trying to change for the good out of desperation and not inspiration.
“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” –William Ernest Henley
There’s a huge difference here and I’ll be happy to break it down. Desperation is a state of despair that results in a rash or extreme behavior. Think of a time when you were desperate for something and you just had to have it, you didn’t care how you got it, but once you did you were satisfied with yourself. Satisfied with the end result, not realizing what you did, or were willing to do, to get to that point.
I mentioned something about people telling themselves stories. This storytelling is a part of the 4 boxes to self-destruction someone told me: stories, judgment/criticism, looking good, and competitiveness. We tend to tell ourselves stories about how we’re not good enough, smart enough, etc. We tend to judge and criticize rather than be open and listen. We feel we must do what is the latter to fit it and look good. And compete against one another instead of thinking of ways to work together.
In my case, I was willing to tell myself the stories of I’m better than him, her, and them and I’m going to show them I’m better. I can’t do anything but laugh at it now because I was really acting a fool and was a fool at that point. I was trying to change out of desperation and because of that I wasn’t really focusing on who Sitoria is and can be. I was focused on proving myself to others that I’m not like them.
I took the energy I had and used it for others instead of myself. See, when you change out of desperation you’re worried about looking good to the next person. When you can change out of inspiration that means you have a testimony to you and you ain’t afraid to share it. That means you can be 1,000% honest with yourself about you and check yourself in order to reach your higher self. You know that you have some flaws and you’ve been through some shit, but you’re not afraid to hide what you’ve been through and wear that scar proud. That means you can listen to what’s going on around you and what’s going on inside of you and follow up on it. It means you’re choosing a better route because you know you can do better. But first, you have to acknowledge what’s wrong and stop feeding your ego. I was feeding my ego of who I thought I was.
I was giving myself the wrong recipe. I was trying too hard to prove myself to others because I knew deep down inside I was just like them. Probably worst, because I was trying to put them down by proving I was better. When you change out of inspiration you realize what’s in the way. You. You are what is standing in your own way. Tear down the wall of fear, anger, jealousy, pride, judgment, and be honest with yourself. Find your source of inspiration and let it lead you and let it guide you.
“Don’t believe in kings, believe in the Kingdom.” -Chance
I choose to change out of inspiration (mind, body, and soul) and not desperation because I know who I’m meant to be without any distractions. A person who loves all, a good daughter, a good friend, a source of inspiration for others, one who chooses to listen and trust in everything around me.